_PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK WITH YOUR LIBIDO
Faina Kur
MHSc (Sexual Health) BA (Psych)
Let's face it, the human body is made for sex, but sometimes, having all the right parts and equipment just isn't enough. We also need to want to have a sex life. Ideally we want to be able to experience the natural flow of lust and desire and sexual expression in our daily lives.
A healthy desire to experience physical intimacy and/or sexual experiences is called “libido”. Psychologists and health professionals have acknowledged that a healthy libido is a key ingredient to holistic well-being.
Everyone's libido is different, for some it is a daily urge and for some it presents itself more subtly, responding to the flirtations and stimuli that awaken its slumber.
Do you remember what your libido used to be like? Do you know why it seemingly went away and are you aware of the factors that are maintaining the status quo? If you find yourself with a suppressed or non-expressive libido, not feeling desire or sexual arousal, we can acknowledge that this may be due to a complex web of personal & relational circumstances.
So why is it, that our libido plays hide and seek with us and how can we restore it to a healthy functional desire for intimacy and sex? The good news is that if you are reading this article, then it may be a sign that you are ready to restore your libido to your emotional and physical toolset. Even if you haven't felt sexual desire for years, your libido didn’t really disappeared; perhaps it lay dormant waiting for the cues to let it know that it was emotionally and physically safe to emerge.
If you were to Google the concept of loss of libido you would find a plethora of information out there, the suggestions might appear to be obvious; healthy diet, exercise, reduce stress, rest up and sleep well. For some restoring their general well being may be enough to awaken their libido, but for most other factors have come into the equation and no matter what they try, they just don’t know what to do, how to feel like their old self again or how to get their body to desire intimacy and touch, let alone sex.
Whether you feel like your libido is suppressed or that you are happy with your libido but it does not match the needs of your high libido partner, the multi-faceted issues of body, mind, relationships and environment, may require practical step-by-step solutions that incorporate these factors.
In my experience as a sexual health counsellor and therapist, I have come to realize, that sexual concerns can be highly specific to a person's personal circumstances, which not only makes it difficult to generalize, but virtually impossible to cover all factors in one article. If your libido is a source of distress for you then I would suggest that you seek out the help of a qualified sex therapist.
Nevertheless, it is possible to outline some general themes about restoring one's libido, bearing in mind, of course, that it is not a case of "one size fits all." I would also like to mention that this article is geared towards women. We will be acknowledging the men in our lives and continue discussing the more intricate factors that affect or sex lives in future articles.
You ready to chat? Lets find your libido !
Faina Kur
MHSc (Sexual Health) BA (Psych)
Let's face it, the human body is made for sex, but sometimes, having all the right parts and equipment just isn't enough. We also need to want to have a sex life. Ideally we want to be able to experience the natural flow of lust and desire and sexual expression in our daily lives.
A healthy desire to experience physical intimacy and/or sexual experiences is called “libido”. Psychologists and health professionals have acknowledged that a healthy libido is a key ingredient to holistic well-being.
Everyone's libido is different, for some it is a daily urge and for some it presents itself more subtly, responding to the flirtations and stimuli that awaken its slumber.
Do you remember what your libido used to be like? Do you know why it seemingly went away and are you aware of the factors that are maintaining the status quo? If you find yourself with a suppressed or non-expressive libido, not feeling desire or sexual arousal, we can acknowledge that this may be due to a complex web of personal & relational circumstances.
So why is it, that our libido plays hide and seek with us and how can we restore it to a healthy functional desire for intimacy and sex? The good news is that if you are reading this article, then it may be a sign that you are ready to restore your libido to your emotional and physical toolset. Even if you haven't felt sexual desire for years, your libido didn’t really disappeared; perhaps it lay dormant waiting for the cues to let it know that it was emotionally and physically safe to emerge.
If you were to Google the concept of loss of libido you would find a plethora of information out there, the suggestions might appear to be obvious; healthy diet, exercise, reduce stress, rest up and sleep well. For some restoring their general well being may be enough to awaken their libido, but for most other factors have come into the equation and no matter what they try, they just don’t know what to do, how to feel like their old self again or how to get their body to desire intimacy and touch, let alone sex.
Whether you feel like your libido is suppressed or that you are happy with your libido but it does not match the needs of your high libido partner, the multi-faceted issues of body, mind, relationships and environment, may require practical step-by-step solutions that incorporate these factors.
In my experience as a sexual health counsellor and therapist, I have come to realize, that sexual concerns can be highly specific to a person's personal circumstances, which not only makes it difficult to generalize, but virtually impossible to cover all factors in one article. If your libido is a source of distress for you then I would suggest that you seek out the help of a qualified sex therapist.
Nevertheless, it is possible to outline some general themes about restoring one's libido, bearing in mind, of course, that it is not a case of "one size fits all." I would also like to mention that this article is geared towards women. We will be acknowledging the men in our lives and continue discussing the more intricate factors that affect or sex lives in future articles.
You ready to chat? Lets find your libido !
Do you think of sex positively?
It may sound obvious, but just thinking about sex in a more positive light can help rekindle our desire for intimacy. Sure, sex is about feeling good, receiving and giving pleasure and indulging in the sensual, but if you can’t relate to these elements at the moment then try to think of sex as being more than sex. For example, intimacy and sex can allow us to experience closeness and connection, it can nurture our inner femininity and it can enhance our sense of togetherness, bonding us with someone who cares about us, desires us. I often ask clients to think about what they used to enjoy about sex, remembering how it felt to desire and be desired. See how your body feels when you remember the good old times, do you find yourself smiling? Thinking and feeling positively towards being intimate with your partner is a great step towards experiencing what you desire. Outcome Based Sex
Too often, individuals or couples fall into the pattern of defining sex based on achieving his and her orgasms, maintaining erections and controlling ejaculation. If their sexual script says that certain factors need to be present for them to view sex a having been successful they can find themselves experiencing stress, taking it personally, feeling like they are failing their lover or not turning their lover on. They start working very, very hard to achieve their defined sexual experience; I call this "outcome-based" sex. Seriously though, how sexy does outcome-based sex sound? It sounds more like a business strategy that is either achieved or not. It can overshadow the other amazing moments. Subsequently, linking sex to something that is negative can send your emotional and physical body the message that sex is a negative experience and your body may try to protect you from experiencing this negativity by helping you NOT desire sex. | When we focus on the end result, we end up missing out on the benefits that sex has to offer. Couples enter this cycle of frustration and disappointment that reinforces a negative view of sex. The key is to remember why you want to experience intimacy and to remove the barriers that take us out of enjoying our sexual body and into our critical brains. Hugs and kisses do not equal sex
Unfortunately, many women fall into unique patterns of behavior when it comes to receiving casual signs of affection, they are worried that if they respond positively and wholeheartedly to an intimate hug or kiss then they are pretty much saying yes now to sex later. What they don’t realize is that they are training their bodies towards what I refer to as a "shut-down and push-away" cycle. As affection, verbal and non verbal come their way, their bodies going into shut down mode and they push away any advances, sending a clear signal that they are not available. However, their own bodies experience this signal also. As evening approaches and you now want to let go and enjoy sex and you partner leans in to kiss your neck you might be disappointed when your body instinctively follows the old pattern of shutting down and pushing away. If this feels familiar you then we need to work towards breaking the old cycle and developing a new response to intimacy and touch. Opening yourself up to touch and affection will help awaken your body, allowing it to receive and feel again which is an important stage in awakening your desire for intimacy. Kick starting your own libido
Thanks to technology, we live in a golden age of toys designed to stimulate sexual pleasure and to arouse feelings of sexual desire, from pocket vibrators to full-blown sex swings and everything in-between. | Toys, either used by ourselves or with our partners, are a great way of getting back in touch with our sexual selves. Often reminding us that our bodies can still experience sexual awakening and pleasure. The benefit is not all about chasing the elusive orgasm, but to reconnect with yourself on the level of pure sensory pleasure. This is about you, for you. The beauty of toys is that they give you the control, to work at your own pace towards your sexual pleasure, when you want to. Remember that even deciding to use a toy can be a huge sign that you are ready for your body to awaken. Next time
I am aware that I have not included many factors such as stress, feeling depressed, sexual pain, emotional distress, ineffective communication, feeling like there is no time for yourself let alone sex, relationship dynamics and feeling exhausted. These factors play a significant role when it comes to helping us restore our sexual desire and I look forward to discussing these with you. PS It’s true men and partners have a significant role to play when it comes to restoring sexual desire. Ultimately, whilst not wishing to make light of a serious topic, I want to leave you with the findings of recent research that backs up the old adage: "If you want to turn your partner on, do the dishes!" |
